Clear Water

I used to go to swim practice because I had to. Every day, the clock would strike 5:30 and I had to mentally prepare to jump into a pool in 30 minutes and swim for 2 hours. Although this was my life each day and night, I still yearned to be that kid with so much time. Yet-now I look back and think, what would I have done with those extra five hours each day? Slept more? Maybe. Spent more time with friends? Maybe. Worked on my schoolwork more? Maybe. But the thing is, I would never trade my life in those developmental years for anything. Nothing would have been better if I did not swim each day, and I have come to realize how much swimming has impacted my life and mindset.

Swimming and I have a confusing relationship. We used to be in love, and of course we had our moments, but it has not been until recently that I have come to terms with my deep respect for everything the sport has provided me.

Since starting a coporate job, navigating a new relationship, and paying all those stupid bills, my mind is a mess, all the time. I am constantly in a rut it feels. But this is not a new feeling, I've felt this way since my Freshman year. I am still a little awkward, a little worrisome, and undergo a lot of overthinking. With all these new beginnings in my life, it's understandable to be confused and a work-in-progress. But, what is not understandable is the unbearable pressure I've put on myself to be this ideal person to everyone. Each day, I work to distract myself so I can avoid overthinking. I love my job now because I don't have time to fixate or overthink. Even though working 60+ sounds unappetizing, I do it for the sake of my sanity. Yet, I know this is incredibly unhealthy. To want to throw myself into work to save my mental health is insane in its self. Which has led me to discover alternative habits-one being swimming.

I am not swimming nearly as much as I used to in high school or college, but I am okay with that. I have finally accepted that my body cannot physically do 20 hours of training + a 60 hour work week + a social life + taking care of myself and my financials. This is impossible and to hold myself to that standard is silly.

One morning a week, minimum, I will wake myself up early-we're talking 5:10 am- to drag myself to the train station to jump in the pool by 6:15. I choose to swim with or without a set, then I choose to work one something, then I choose to do backstroke because I simply have the choice. Having the choice to swim not only offers me internal peace with the sport, but it gives me a mental confidence that is indescrible. I am fully allowed to swim for myself and give myself permission to relax. There is no pressure of being under a :59 on a 100 free or pressure to make 20x200 on the 2:30. The goal of my practice is to alleviate the pressure of needing to think. All I need to do in that hour swim is clear my head.

I put my head underwater and I keep swimming until my mind feels clear again.