Forged Galaxy

Somehow along the way, I have lost myself. When I was a teenager, I was often approached by the “are you afraid of space” question, and each time I answered the same. An ecstatic “No!” and an eager follow up, “why should I be?” My peers were always perplexed by my confidence and curiosity. How could someone so plain not be scared of the unknown, they wondered.

Now, I sit to write this in my childhood bedroom. My mind is flooded with dread and doubt on the unknown of my future. I don’t know where I will be in a year–let alone in three months. I don’t know who I will be surrounded by. I don't know what I will be doing or what career path I will choose to follow. And all of that is fucking terrifying.

I now believe the unknown of my life is scarier than the unknown of space. Not knowing these things feels uncomfortable. My skin crawls as I worry. When I plead at night to the stars to comfort the directionless, I am left with solace. It is up to me to decide if the unknown is terrifying or beautiful.

All these years, I have spent worrying about the nitty gritty details of the next day. Just to consume every ounce of curiosity in my being. My routine is graceful, yet, hiccups are perceived as failures. I am not here to sulk about my mindset. Instead, I share to hopefully make any reader feel less alone about not knowing no matter how routine you may be .

When I used to looked up at the sky, the rhythms of my heart would slow and I would imagine the stars craddling my body into its illuminous figure. In their tender touch, my mind would visualize the opportunities waiting to be discovered and all the passions working to be pursued. Now, I make a disheartening subconcious choice to look down at my phone in search of new opportunities. My thumbs just waiting to react to any LinkedIn application updates in hopes that this may ease my mind the way Space used to. And now I wonder, why is this black box in my hand more important thanthe dark sky we exist by in our most vulnerable hours? When did everything become nothing and nothing finally became interesting.

I hope I can eventually look at the darkness in search of stars and not to search for answers.